A follower of imprisoned douchebag killer Charles Manson tried to smuggle a cell phone to him the other day. Apparently this has happened before, successfully, and resulted in Charlie texting a bunch of people. My friend and I riffed online about what those texts could say, why Mr. Manson would want a phone, or just random thoughts.

Hello, Charlie? Is that you? Wait. Let me put you on speaker.

I wonder if he has the T-Mobile 5 friends plan.

I hope he doesn’t butt dial.

Hello? Yes I will kill for you.

I think he just wants to make some Jerky Boys-style crank calls (“I’ll wrap your head in a wrench”).

Is your refrigerator running? Well chase it down and stab it to death!

He keeps asking if Squeaky is here? Do you know a Squeaky? Is there a Squeaky here?

Facetime with Charlie.

I wonder if he has unlimited sexting?

Call me maybe.

What kind of hummingbird does the mambo?

He just wants someone to discuss “Girls” with.

If I was there right now I’d bash you over the head with this phone.

The devil always shaves his head, and knows how to conserve battery life.

Squeaky Fromme and Charles Manson with cell phone

Squeaky Fromme working the phones.