Once I woke up to find a woman’s lips on mine.
Not just any woman, Ms. Weregun, my strange upstairs neighbor. I guess I left a back door open, a door that opened directly into the laundry room that I shared with Ms. Weregun. She found it to be an invitation to walk in and plant her wormy lips on mine.
“Ah you liked it,” she said. “You would have liked it better if you woke up to me blowing you. A handsome woman twice your age, you’d be lucky to pound me.”
Ms. Weregun left, and I immediately knocked on the door of another neighbor, Katie Bristol, a rower and student at the University of Chicago. She was pale, and pretty.
I told her what happened, and that to fix what happened she, Katie, would have to do the same thing. Kiss me awake.
“I’ll leave the door open. Just come in and do it.”
“Jesus Christ,” she said.
I walked down to Mickey’s Tavern. Elmer was bartending. Cookie Roy and Pearl the White Sox fan was there. Then Chicago reclusive author Clive Javanski walked out of the bathroom. He was drinking out of a carton of skim milk. Elmer, Roy and Pearl were doing shots. I had one and told them what happened.
“Watch out for that older puss,” Elmer said.
Elmer said I was safe there, because Ms. Weregun had been banned from the bar. Why, I asked.
“She was rubbing her ass on the poker machine and harassing people for free beers.”
“I’ll be doing that tonight,” said Pearl, who I think was in college during when Capone was breaking balls.
“Ms. Weregun is like an older Amanda Seyfried,” said Clive, who I’m sure had sex her once. “But with the tongue of a young dog.”
A few mornings passed and no Katie. I’m glad she didn’t come for one of them because I was passed out cold. Not even sure her kiss could wake me. Plus a Ukrainian student from DePaul was sleeping next to me. And I kissed her awake because she smelled nice.
Then a few nights ago I was alone with my growler of Half Acre beer when there was a knock on the door. It was Katie. She had beer too. She also had a kiss.
“I thought I’d kiss you goodnight,” she said. “I’ll still be here when I kiss you awake.”
Sometimes things just work out. Even for assholes.
The Dodgy 