Essays, Interviews, Observations, Pop Culture, Stories, and other Dodginess

UK Grief walks into a bar

Posted on February 1, 2015

“Hide the fuckin’ alcohol, here comes UK Grief”

Yours truly, Chicago reclusive author Clive Javanski, Aidan, Franz, and Sasha are the local band UK Grief. We had plans to record our debut album in various Chicago dive bars. But plans go to shit.

We wanted to record our first single, “Fuck Anne Hathaway’s Short Hair” at Mickey’s in Bucktown, but they closed down, it turns out. The bar on the corner of Leavitt and Medill had what one would call either the best or worst jukebox in Chicago. Once I was there and a van caught on fire outside the bar. It ended up with Aidan and I chasing a car down Leavitt, throwing rocks at it. That story is for another time.

The first bar we approached will go unnamed, because Aidan decided to steal alcohol from the place. We were going to record our cover of The Game’s “Hate it or Love it” there.

“Hide the fuckin’ alcohol, here comes UK Grief,” was actually said by one bartender as we walked in the doors. I don’t remember which bar. We were drunk. We didn’t record a song there, but I made out with Sasha in the men’s room.

“You and your fucking girls and bathrooms,” Aidan said.

He was referring to the Puerto Rican Chicago paramedic I kissed a lot in the woman’s bathroom at the Black Beetle, or  just The Beetle Bar, in Ukrainian Village. Then there was the tattooed blonde in the bathroom at Cleo’s in the same ‘hood. She stole my wallet.

Also on our list was Bob Inn, on Fullerton across the street from the old Fireside Bowl, where Clive said he lost his virginity. I wanted to record one of the songs in the Violet Hour in Wicker Park.

“It’s so fucking dark in there I had to use my cell phone flashlight to see the bill,” Aidan said about his one visit. “I was with a girl there who had amazing legs but I couldn’t fucking see them it was so dark.”

Nick’s on Milwaukee Avenue just around the block was another option. It’s where I first met the Pretties – my friend Paul’s two beautiful model roommates.

The Mutiny, on Western Avenue, was a favorite of ours. It had area in the back for bands and we like to drink their half pitcher of beer.

“Oh, these are cute,” said Sasha – who could drink my ass and yours under the table – something I’ve told her a number of times.

“I’d rather fuck your ass under the table,” she said. “But let’s get this fucking record done first.”

* “The First and Last Gig of UK Grief” 

Hey it’s The Fontaines

Posted on January 6, 2015

Siblings Hank and Charlotte Fontaine are behind the L.A. new-wop pop group The Fontaines. They have a new EP coming out and have begun a month-long residency at the Silverlake Lounge on Sunset Boulevard. In the newest addition to our interview series The Dodgy talks to Charlotte and finds out the truth behind the band’s name, who would play them in a movie, what’s the after-show drink of choice and what they do when not performing (A little bit of riffin’, lovin’, and netflixin’).

the-fontaines-image

The Fontaines

How long have you been a band?

We played our first show the night before I graduated from high school, in 2013.

So you’re siblings. Were you guys in different bands before?

Hank dabbled in more country-style bands before joining The Fontaines.  I was still in school, but my mom would drive me to open jazz mics on the weekends. I was the only performer at those whose mother would come along and get in trouble for trying to photograph the performer on stage.

What’s the origin of the band name?

 I came up with The Fontaines after watching “The Godfather” for the first time.  Johnny Fontaine. What a stud. (In the film it’s actually spelled “Fontane” but screw it, the band’s spelling is cooler). 

When is the release of your debut EP?

 March, 2015! (Not sure if I like the sound of “2015” yet…) We’re slowly crawling into YouTube with new music videos for each single up until then though.

Have you toured outside Los Angeles?

We’ve played in San Francisco before, but we’re really looking forward to touring soon. We’ve got the residency at the Silverlake Lounge, so we’re excited to have a permanent place in LA for now!

Who else makes up the band?

 Members of local bands, Quote Unquote and Street Joy. A punk rock group and an indie band. Quite the eclectic bunch…with thoroughly memorable hairstyles, if you ask me.

What do you guys do for fun when not performing?

 A little bit of riffin’, lovin’, and netflixin’. I’m also guilty of crossing onto the “weird side” of YouTube (we’ve all been there). Did you know someone got addicted to drinking paint??

I see you like The Cars. Did you like their most recent album?”

 I’m just getting into The Cars myself (per Hank’s word), so I’m mostly sticking to their late 70’s and mid 80’s albums. “My Best Friend’s Girl” and “Drive” are my favorites.

Have you picked up any celebrity fans? Which celebrities do you think would enjoy your music?

I know I’m a few years late to the party, but I just began listening to Vampire Weekend. So I hope Ezra Koenig would dig our sound. And Cameron Crowe. Based on his film soundtracks,I think he has great taste in music, so I would hope he would like us! That “if you could have a dinner party with three famous people, dead or alive…” question comes to mind with answering this…

What did you think of the film “God Help The Girl” if you saw it?

 I haven’t seen it! I’m not a huge movie person… The highlight of my day was ordering “Happy Days” on Amazon earlier.

Are you both single or married? Do you get relationship offers at shows?

We’re both currently single, and contrary to popular belief at live shows, we’re a brother-sister duo, not a married couple!

Who would play the two of you in a film?

 Hank says Joaquin Phoenix but in more realistic stature terms Josh Hutcherson. I’m not sure, but I would request Danny DeVito to be my stunt double, since he’s height appropriate.

After show drink of choice?

 A tall glass of milk.

What can people expect during the Silverlake residency?

 We are really, really excited about our residency. We’re gonna be bringing out new songs, old songs, other people’s songs. We’re looking forward to having a great time, and we hope the audiences do too!

Check out The Fontaines at thatfontainesound.com.

The Young Martens – An Excerpt

Posted on December 21, 2014

An excerpt from The Young Martens – love, sex, loss and vigilantism of a secret Midwest fraternity.

 

“That’s a lot of beer, Irish.”

“Yea Wyatt, it’s a lot of beer. It’s a lot of beer.”

I’ve been in the basement of our “frat” home several times since I joined the group a week ago. I never knew there was a hidden storage area. Behind an old bar, actually, which was fitting since there were about 3 dozen cases of beer back there.

“Yea it is, yea it certainly is,” said Wyatt, our leader, if you can call him that. No one had any real titles in this home, and we technically weren’t a frat. If anything we were an anti-frat. In a way we were like a large band.

The Young Martens. They, or we, got the name because the Wyatt and the first three guys happened to wear the British footwear. It was what I was wearing in the courtyard when Wyatt first spotted me and said, “nice boots.”

“We’re drinking some beers and listening to some music tonight,” he said that day. “You should stop by Irish.”

He never called me by my real name, as ridiculous as it is to some.

A liquor store just off the campus and popular with college students burned to the ground just a few days before I was welcomed into the Martens. It looks to me now that this beer belonged to that liquor store.

“Did you guys burn that place down?”

“Not a nice man, the owner,” Wyatt said. “He’s abusive. Sexually assaulted one of our friends. In the store. And some other shit.”

“Well at least you got some of the beer out first,” I said. “Are you gonna sell it to some of the frats?”

“And have it led to them committing to more date rapes? Nah. We are selling it though. Not your concern now. And we are keeping some.”

Wyatt. The Robin Hood leader of The Young Martens.

We went back upstairs – Wyatt to his girlfriend and his room, and myself to Todd’s room. A room he rarely left because he was dying of cancer. His nurse – the one his parents paid for – wasn’t there. But Barbie was. All six feet of her. Barbie was black, athletic, a really good member of the volleyball team and she like punk rock. Oh yea there were girls in the Martens. Many of them current girlfriends of some of the guys, or friends, or friends of friends. Girls who didn’t like the frats. Girls who liked to get high, girls who didn’t.

The first time I met Barbie she grinded and humped me at a punk concert on campus by some local band. A bunch of the Martens went, and we were in the front row. Barbie got behind me, wrapped her long arms around my waist, locking my arms at my sides. Then she grinded her crotch against my ass, and I liked it.

Nothing happened after that. We didn’t even talk about it. And here she was, in Todd’s room, where most of the girls could be found in the house. They all loved Todd. We all loved him. And he loved us. It was quite the battle, I was told, to get him to convince his parents to let him stay in the house rather than at home. He wanted to die here.

“Irish – did I tell you how much I love you, and Wyatt? Especially Wyatt.”

I don’t know if it was the drugs he was on, or maybe he had a few beers, because he could do that when he was up for it. Or maybe and most likely it was just him being him.

“Yea you did Todd.”

“Wyatt is Jesus to me,” Todd said. “He’s amazing. And he makes all of us amazing.”

I looked up at the wall. There was what looked like a picture of R.E.M. from their early days playing in this very room. The early days of the house.

“Liffey, I’ve never felt so happier and loved then I’ve felt here. I’m glad you’re here.”

Later a bunch of us went to hang out on the porch. We wheeled Todd out there too. Some of the frat guys from a few houses down walked by. One of muttered “faggots” in our direction, if you could believe that.

“I didn’t hear you,” said Sanchay, a junior engineering student and the best pool player in the house. “I am a faggot. And Indian. You’re worst fucking nightmare.”

“And I’m not gay,” I yelled back to the group, who continued walking on, wearing their bad clothes. “But I would kiss this guy on the mouth (pointing to Sanchay).

“Would you really?” Sanchay said to me.

Just then the campus police, along with a city police detective – Det. Laura we’d all soon know her by, pulled up to the house.

They were looking for Wyatt.