12 Days of Dodgy Christmas

This is written several years ago (before The Dodgy) as a companion piece to a “12 Days of Christmas for the Girl.” Can’t locate  the gal version, but in comparison her final total in dollars for the 12 days of gifts was in the millions.

 

I’m easy, I don’t need much. Some of the stuff on the original list sounds kind of annoying. Twelve drummers drumming? Too noisy.
Four calling birds? My friend has a bird, and it bit me. There certainly is a lot of wildlife in that original list.
Here is mine:
On the first day of Christmas, Santa gave to me: A true love.
You need one to really do this. Then, from here on, she can provide me with next 11 days’ worth! (Oh, and Santa, how about a cross between the kindness of a Disney princess, the butt-kicking moves of Buffy, the comic wit of Sarah Silverman and the confidence of Jodie Foster?) Priceless.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Two funky beanies. Made by Moosejaw, these fashionable Outdoor Research Igloo Beanies will keep my head warm for future Christmases. $19 each.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Three DVD collections: 1) “Twin Peaks — The Definitive Gold Box Collection” ($69.99), featuring a pre-“X-Files” David Duchovny, the beautiful Madchen Amick and “Windom Earle,” one of the most delightfully psychotic TV villains of all time; 2) “M*A*S*H” ($19.99 for each of the first three seasons only — because after the departure of Trapper John and Henry Blake the show flatlined); and 3) “Band of Brothers” ($41.99), as it’s “Saving Private Ryan — The Mini-Series.”
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Four for-sale signs. I’m letting my friend Spider have this one. He has at least four vehicles on his property he needs to get rid of. $5.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Five Go-Gos gigging. It may be hard to land this legendary all-girl pop/rock group for a private gig, but true love can score me a ticket to their show Jan. 30 at Chicago’s House of Blues. $46.50.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Six hand-grenade drinks from New Orleans Forget the Hurricane. These concoctions have what my friend Mosquito calls “a time-delayed release.” $5.50-$7.50.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love game to me: Seven books in binding. Who doesn’t love books? $4.99-$24.99 each.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Eight pairs of Doc Martens. Because I’m like an industrial, male version of “Sex and the City’s” Carrie Bradshaw. $85-$120.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Nine ladies dancing. I decided to keep this one from the original carol. According to PNC Wealth Management, it’s about $4,700 per performance.
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 club box infield seats at Wrigley Field for 10 different Cubs games. I’ll sit behind home plate, promising not to emulate those idiots waving at the camera while on their cell phones. $700 — more if she goes through a scalper.
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 cases of Diet Pepsi. The truest way to my heart. $4.99 each when on sale at local grocery stores.
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 more days of Christmas! Priceless.

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