Once on Valentine’s Day

Once on Valentine’s Day, I kissed a girl when it was so cold outside our lips nearly froze together.

Once on Valentine’s Day I kissed  girl in Dublin who looked like the offspring of the band My Bloody Valentine.

Once on Valentine’s Day I opened the door to Chicago reclusive author Clive Javanski’s apartment and saw my weird upstairs neighbor Mrs. Weregun pulling off his red sweatpants.

Once on Valentine’s Day we had a bonfire at the beach and Clive’s red sweatpants caught on fire.

Once on Valentine’s Day I received a Valentine’s card from a girl with a heart on the front and on the inside it read, “Fuck off.”

Once on Valentine’s Day I went to a party and the only red clothing I owned was a Santa Claus hat so I wore that.

Once on Valentine’s Day I fell in love with a girl who wore a red and black plaid skirt and had a large birthmark on her face.

Once on Valentine’s Day I was at a party and warned not to kiss someone they called “The Flouride Girl” but I did and it was OK.

Once on Valentine’s Day I was at a party and got drunk and the only thing I remember was a discussion over why Depeche Mode has never been on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Once on Valentine’s Day I was told by a girl that she wanted to stick a cigarette up my ass.

Once on Valentine’s Day I was making snow angels with this girl, Holly, outside of a bar when my friend Aidan came out and poured beer on us. Holly said, “despite that, I don’t think he’s an asshole.”

Once on Valentine’s Day I was at a party and there was a band playing James Bond theme songs. I met a girl during their take on A-ha’s “The Living Daylights.” I shard a pint with the girl when the band played “The World is Not Enough” by Garbage. I kissed the girl during a rendition of Adele’s “Skyfall.”

Once on Valentine’s Day in junior high this Serbian girl, Anka, kissed me, stole my lunch money and ripped off her red tights and gave them to me.