Once on Valentine’s Day, I kissed a girl when it was so cold outside our lips nearly froze together. Once on Valentine’s Day I kissed  girl in Dublin who looked like the offspring of the band My Bloody Valentine. Once on Valentine’s Day I opened the door to Chicago reclusive author Clive Javanski’s apartment and saw my weird upstairs neighbor Mrs. Weregun pulling off his red sweatpants. Once on Valentine’s Day we had a bonfire at the beach and Clive’s red sweatpants caught on fire. Once on Valentine’s Day I received a Valentine’s card from a girl with a heart on the front and on the inside it read, “Fuck off.” Once on Valentine’s Day I went to a party and the only red…