Essays, Interviews, Observations, Pop Culture, Stories, and other Dodginess

How To Fix Baseball

Posted on October 5, 2012

Or at least make it a little more interesting.

The season is too long. The World Series begins Oct. 24. Game Seven would be played on Nov. 1. That’s ridiculous.

140 Games

Lop off 22 games in the season. That way the playoffs would begin in the middle of September. Game Seven of the World Series should be played sometime during the first week of October. Warmer weather is most likely a certainty if its played in cold-weather cities. Baseball sucks when it’s ass-cold and players are wearing winter hats on the field. Sure it’s cold in April at the start of the season, but those games and their conditions are well forgotten by the time the playoffs come around. Another reason for the shorter season – players won’t be ass tired. All I’ve heard from baseball people in the last few weeks is how guys are dragging ass because their tired or hurt. Is that how we want players to enter the playoffs? In a state of dick?

Attendance

You think attendance will suffer due to the deduction of games? How about it rises instead? The majority of teams, at least from I’ve seen, aren’t hosting sell-outs during the final weeks of the season. Take my own city’s Chicago White Sox. They were averaging probably 20,000 to 25,000 near the end (and for most of) the season. Those fans who would have attended home games between 140 and 162 will probably go to games earlier in the shorter season. So instead of having 20,000 at game 138 in a 162-season you might draw 28,000. It would affect a few teams that sell-out almost every game…but that’s only a few out of 30 teams. I think the positive outweighs the negatives.

Intensity and Less Injuries

A shorter season means more games mean something. Games earlier in the year would have more of a late-in-the-season feel to them. You might even see a return of a four-man rotation. Less bullshit. Less worrying about innings pitched by your star pitcher. Stephen Strasburg would be able to pitch in the playoffs. Most players don’t play every game in a 162 season anyway.

Less Days Off During Playoffs

I think they’ve improved on this compared to previous years, but it can be better. For example in the World Series, games 1 to 5 can be played with no off day. Game two could be a day game, which is better for the sport (think younger fans more likely to watch the game, especially if it’s a school night) if not for TV ratings, which suck anyway. Teams play that many games or more in a row in the regular season, so why change it for the playoffs? Plus, they’ll be less gassed because of the 140 game schedule.

Awards

I’ve heard this talked about by several sports radio hosts in Chicago and elsewhere, and I agree. Announce the season awards – MVP, Cy Young, Rookie of the Year, etc., during the playoffs. Maybe on the off days. To do this well after the World Series over is shit.

Wild Card

Thanks to the shorter regular season, you could make the Wild Card game a best of two out of three instead. And then maybe the Division Series can be seven games. So you lose some regular season games, yet add playoff ones. And still end the World Series on an early October night.

Uniforms

They’re called uniforms for a reason. What’s with all these teams that wear a dark jersey with white pants? They look like softball players in a beer league. The sport could use some better fashion. It’s one of the reasons I like the Yankees – the classic uniforms. More teams should emulate the Yanks when it comes to uniforms.

In closing, I tried to come up with a unique pic for this post that’s baseball related. I found this appropriate. Even though it sort of violates my rules when it comes to uniformity, how about the White Sox donning green and white uniforms as part of a “halfway to St. Patrick’s Day” game promotion. That’s not too dodgy.

 

 

Update Oct. 27: The World Series ratings are dismal. It’s too late in the season for anyone to care. Late October? College and Pro football have taken over. People are getting ready for the holidays. It’s too damn cold. I had a lot of interest in the first playoff series, right when the season ended. But it really putters out by the time the World Series rolls around. Shorten the season. The Fall Classic should have been long over by now. Nobody is watching.

 

Jesus The Ladybug

Posted on September 29, 2012

So I’m in the Bucktown apartment of Chicago recluse author Clive Javanski. He wanted me to take care of a few things, like his fish and a cat that’s somewhere…while he’s in Kalamazoo, Michigan for what I believe is a book reading or appearance of some sort. I have a feeling right now he’s on a stool at Bell’s Brewery, drinking a double cream stout and talking up a couple University of Michigan students. Probably about the smell of books, what bands they’re into, pants, and arm jewelry.

Manuscripts and various writings lay about. I read a few. Stuff he either hasn’t tried to publish or is simply unfinished, or rejected pieces. One caught my eye, lying next to the latest Leonard Cohen record. It’s brief and seems to have been written during or shortly after a book reading tour or something last winter in the nether regions of Wisconsin. I’m going to post it. It’s entitled Jesus The Ladybug.

Jesus the Ladybug

So it was the final night of my winter weekend stay at the Wolf Paw resort in Wisconsin. I had gotten lost in the woods earlier that afternoon so once I found my way out and got back to my cabin, I drank some wine.  Exhausted, I crashed out. That’s when the ladybug in my room spoke to me. The same ladybug I noticed fluttering around the cabin when I first checked in. It had to be zero below outside, but this little bastard was hanging on.

The Ladybug was sitting (or standing, how can you tell?) on the desk next to the bed.

“I’m Jesus,” he said.

I didn’t  have that much wine, I thought.

“What?”

“I’m Jesus. Do you think it’s odd my name is Jesus?”

“No I think it’s odd a Ladybug is talking. Later on, I might feel that Jesus is an odd name for you.”

Jesus inched closer.

“I’m hanging here until spring. You’re the first guest in the room since October. The previous guest was a lesbian. She was cute. Smelled good.”

I asked Jesus if he spoke to her, and he said no, he did not. I told him about my weekend, how I got lost in the woods, for which he called me an asshole. Jesus the Ladybug had an attitude, but he wanted to talk to me.

He asked him about the mouse. Last night I woke to the sound of pitter-patter behind the walls and above the ceiling. I figured it was a mouse, also seeking a winter refuge.

“Yea, that’s John,” Jesus told me. “He came from the Wood Shed. He’ll go back in the summer.”

The Wood Shed was a bar about a mile from my cabin. I ate there earlier this evening. I told Jesus about the jamokes in there, including a bare foot fellow wearing of those “I’m with stupid” shirts.

“He had the audacity to wear that?” Jesus said. “When John gets back there and sees that asswrench, he’ll piss in his burger.”

I told Jesus I had to get some sleep and that it was nice talking to him. I asked him what he planned to do the rest of the night while I snoozed.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe I’ll shit in your ear.”

How To Fix The Emmys

Posted on September 24, 2012

Or at least make them more interesting.

Winners in every category are automatically disqualified for the following year. So Homeland would not be eligible for best drama next year. What does this do? It would give another deserving show, like Treme, a shot at a well-deserved nomination.  I first thought of this when Mad Men was winning every year. And really, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart – ten consecutive wins? Are you freakin’ kidding me? And we’d get a year of Emmy relief from Modern Family.

Overlooked shows

  • Treme
  • Shameless
  • Californication
  • Don’t Trust The Bitch in Apt. B

William Macy (Shameless) deserved a nomination at least, if not the award over Jon f’ing Cryer.

There might have to be some new categories, like “Dramedy.”

Eventually we may see Internet shows honored. Have you seen Jerry Seinfield’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? It’s better than most network shows.

Other Emmy thoughts

The opening bathroom scene with Kimmel and those TV gals was horrendous. Lena Dunham couldn’t even save that shit, even while she was taking one.  A junior high radio and television class could develop a funnier open. And Kimmel’s bit about “Emmy” meaning “Me” reminded me of Letterman’s “Oprah” – “Uma” fiasco on the Oscars (although I loved Letterman as host).

Shameless

Treme

Californication