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Walmart closes Saturday – “too much exposed skin”

Posted on December 1, 2012

A Chicago Walmart closed its doors early on Saturday due to too much exposed skin by its customers. The 1 p.m. announcement was brought on by unseasonably warm December weather in which temperatures reached nearly 60. Walmart spokesman Gerard Slingman said an onslaught of weight-challenged shoppers in tank tops and sweat shorts at the North Avenue store was too much to bare this time of year. “On the bright side, all the employees who bitched about working on Thanksgiving now have some time off,” he said. Randy John, visiting from England, said the announcement caused quite the “kerfuffle” when it was made. John said he was shocked by the dodgy number of armpit rolls spilling out of tank tops, mainly from women, but in…

Black Friday, Blue Monday

Posted on November 24, 2012

My favorite Black Friday memory was having unprotected sex making out with a Sears sales girl in the changing room. Her name was Tahlia. She could open a bottle of beer with her teeth and I liked her. This is what happens when you work a Black Friday and roll in at odd hours after eating, drinking and partying the hours before. I’ve done my time. I’ve worked retail and restaurants. I know. Working Black Fridays. Dealing with thieves, hooligans, perverts. And that’s just the co-workers. I worked mostly in home improvement and we didn’t have to deal as much with the insanity. Not too many people were rushing in at 5 a.m. to buy a water heater or can of paint. But one…

Bowling Alleys Depress Me

Posted on November 12, 2012

Bowling Alleys Depress Me There is something about a bowling alley where after I walk in, and once I leave…I don’t want to go back. I’m not a bowler, obviously. The sounds and smells. All my senses are assaulted in these establishments. The first time I recall being in a bowling alley was somewhere in Chicago’s south suburbs. I was in 8th grade and would meet my girlfriend there because she came with her mom, who bowled in a league. I found it creepy. The shoes, the shirts. The bar. Like a bar at a ¬†strip club minus the strippers. We would immediately leave the bowling alley – sometimes I would never walk in – she met me outside – and walk to a…