Essays, Interviews, Observations, Pop Culture, Stories, and other Dodginess

Morrissey, It Was Really Nothing

Posted on March 1, 2013

I’m getting sick of Morrissey, who’s been in the news lately for canceling an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live because the Duck Dynasty stars were on the same episode and the vegetarian’s  concert at L.A.’s Staple Center will not allow meat products to be sold. Who eats meat at a concert anyway? Shame on Moz for not having the balls to do Kimmel’s show, which really didn’t require balls to do anyway. The Duck Dynasty cast, who probably never heard of Morrissey, certainly didn’t give a shit a veggie was on the show. They win (and boy did they – the ratings for their A&E show skyrocketed after the singing animal rights activist quit the show).

Who eats meat at a concert anyway?

Way to think of your fans, Morrissey, those who maybe wanted to see you perform on Kimmel and don’t have the opportunity to see you live. What’s really dodgy is I bet Morrissey has no problem selling his music to meat-eaters. I guess he has no problem taking their money. And what about the stupid picture below, from The Hollywood Reporter article, that shows Moz with a cat on his head. There should be a cow up there instead.

Morrissey

I wish that was a cow on his head (photo THR)

Morrissey sure looks a bit pudgy for a vegetarian (a stereotype, I know). And maybe the guy should eat meat. It seems like he’s always canceling concerts for health issues.

I’m a fan of The Smiths and Morrissey’s music. Heck, “Irish Blood, English Heart” is practically my theme song. And I once had an intimate moment once with this gal Wendy, a college professor, with the underrated “Roy’s Keen” in the background. It’s one of my favorite Moz songs and and it’s embarrassing to leave it off the remastered album of its origin, Maladjusted.

“Irish Blood, English Heart” is practically my theme song

I do eat meat, but I’m trying to cut back, especially on red meat. If only to have a better bathroom experience. I love animals and I’m eating more veggies – but not because of anything Morrissey does or sings. But Frankly, Mr. Shankly, Morrissey should not have bowed out on Kimmel. Based on his reasoning he shouldn’t appear in any concerts if say, one of the venue’s staff members hunts or enjoys an occasional Big Mac. I’m pretty sure David Letterman like ham, but he does that show. Those Duck Dynasty guys on Kimmel? Morrissey, it was really nothing.

What’s with all the Pixie Cuts?

Posted on February 25, 2013

I was certain the In Memoriam segment of Sunday’s Academy Awards broadcast would include Anne Hathaway’s hair. If you were watching Charlize Theron dance on stage, from a distance on a non high-definition TV, you might have thought – just for a moment – that it was Dame Judi Dench. I’ll call her Charlie until the hair comes back.  I didn’t see Michelle Williams or Carey Mulligan at the Oscars, but I’m sure them and their pixie cuts were close by.

What’s with all these pixie cuts on actresses and on women in general? I realize a lot of it has to do with a film role, like Anne’s in Les Miserables. But Jesus, has anyone’s hair taken so long to grow? Her locks were beautiful in The Dark Knight Rises. And that scene of her on the toilet in Rachel Getting Married  would have been more disgusting with her little bob cut.

Anne Hathaway

Remembering Anne Hathaway’s long locks (Photo credit: Horustr4n)

Supposedly Charlize lopped off her hair for her role in Mad Max 4. If that’s the case I question the production of that film. Actually, I question the production of it regardless of her hair length. I don’t know the excuse for Williams or Mulligan. They’ve had short hair for a long time. And sure, they keep getting film roles. But if the crop top was so adorably sexy, why would the producers of Oz the Great and Powerful give Williams a wig for her role as the good witch Glinda?

The one movie role William’s short hair was suited for was in Take This Waltz. Because her character was a wacko. She’s pretending to need a wheelchair at the airport, pissing in a pool, staring at old ladies’ bodies in the shower. Not knowing how her own shower works.

Michelle Williams 2012 Shankbone 2

Wig it! Michelle Williams (Photo credit: david_shankbone)

You know who still has long hair? Kristen Stewart. She has to. She was just voted worst actress. She can’t afford to go cutting her hair now. Not yet. And then there’s Merida from Brave. What an amazing little independent heroine princess. And that gorgeous long, memorable red Scottish hair. The movie won the Oscar for Best Animated Film. Her hair should have won another.

Brave Movie

Brave Movie (Photo credit: Michelle O’Connell)

My favorite hair from the Oscars: Adele, Jessica Chastain, Kerry Washington, and Naomi Watts.

Lost in The High School Cafeteria (Part Two)

Posted on February 23, 2013

Redeye, which I took to calling him (not to his face), didn’t  follow up on his threat. Thus, I lived to endure the few months of first semester lunch. Redeye and his band of Lager louts accepted me, as if that was a compliment. You see, if there was one talent that got me through high school, it was that I got along with everybody – jocks, geeks, gays, stoners, princesses, and detention room criminals. As far as my new lunch room compatriots,  yes they were thugs, but lazy thugs. Maybe it was the early lunch hour. Nobody had energy. A sad excuse for a food fight ended as soon as it started. “I’m just too tired” one of Redeye’s gang said.

The only time I ever saw Redeye move with any reasonable speed was the food fight attempt when he got in a little scrum with a mustachioed student in a tank top and red pants. He lost a tooth during it. But not because of anyone’s hand. It just fell out on its own.

The next semester rewarded me with another early lunch hour (10:35 a.m.), and I found myself a new table, in the back of the room, that had a misfit vibe to it. I liked it because it was quite and although it welcomed strange and unkempt kids, there weren’t a lot of them. Several seats around me were usually empty and during midterms I even fell asleep there. I was awaken by a unfamiliar voice.

“Are you gonna eat that?” It was a pretty black girl I hadn’t seen before. She had eyes on my raw oatmeal cookie dough bites. I let her have one. “Are you some kind of asshole”? she asked. I didn’t know if she was legitimately asking a question or if she just wanted to know if I was safe to sit by. Her name was Renee and she just got transferred to this lunch room because of an honors class she added. Renee had a smart mouth, but it was pretty. She was nice, and we were lunch pals and even became friends those final weeks of the second semester. I even kissed her on the neck during a game of “Truth and Dare” at a friend’s party one night. There’s more of Renee to tell, but it will have to wait. I want to introduce a few other table mates.

Billy Jay – he said his ancestors were from Europe and they came to America on a ship, arriving in New York at “Alice Island.” During one Monday lunch he talked about a party he was at over the weekend. One in which he “couldn’t get laid at if I was naked.”

Dean – he wore a different pair of glasses every week and once asked me if I wanted to “go on a magic boat ride.”

Debbie – she was involved in theater at the high school. Her nickname was “The Electric Wench” and apparently it had something to do with that stage tool. She mostly did backstage work, but said when she finally gets a good acting role she would “make that stage my bitch.”

Scottie – constantly rating the girls in the lunchroom when he wasn’t having epileptic seizures. Once when I didn’t agree with him on a looks of a particular girl, he accused me of having “no sense of ass.” I learned some medical information because of his presence, however. During one of his seizures someone wanted to stick a plastic spoon in his mouth. “Don’t put a fucking thing in there,” said Renee, whose mom was a nurse.

Then there was Heidi, a friend of Renee’s and another new transfer to the lunch period. She had maple-syrup colored hair and a cute pattern of freckles around her nose. And she was a cheerleader – the only one in our lunch. “We don’t get scheduled this early,” she said, as if I’d understand the reasoning behind that.

I had never cut class, or lunch, at this point in my high school career, but I know I never would on a Friday. At our school, that’s when cheerleaders wore their uniform (unlike “Glee” where they’re worn every day). On our very last day of lunch, a Friday, Heidi slightly lifted up her skirt to show my a cheer bruise. I glanced but was too shy to stare for very long, so she grabbed my hand and put it on her upper thigh. “Do you feel that?” she asked. “I feel something,” I said.

And just at that moment I felt Scottie’s hand across my face as another epileptic episode began. Renee was on top of it. Heidi didn’t budge, and neither did I. Billy Jay, sitting across from us, didn’t budge. He just looked at Heidi, then at me. “Liffey, you couldn’t get laid if you was naked.”

Related articles